This is it. With the NFL Draft right around the corner, I’ve done it. I’ve watched all the film, I’ve read all the reports, and this here, is the best mock draft you’ll ever read. I’m so confident that if even one of these picks is wrong, I’ll never do another mock draft. So wait no longer, because you’re about to read all about who your team is taking in the first round.
To prove how adept I am, read last year’s mock.
The Best Mock Ever (2019 Edition)
1. The Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray, Quarterback, Oklahoma
Kliff Kingsbury, who is equal parts a protein bar, British royalty, and the worst coaching hire this off-season, has gone on record saying he’d take Oklahoma’s quarterback Kyler Murray if he had the first pick, and it’s time to put his money where his mouth is.
Josh Rosen will be quoted as saying, “I’ve never even heard of Kyle Murray, drafting him was the biggest mistake the Arizona Cardinals have ever made, and I’m going to make them look foolish” as he texts John Elway and begs him to make a trade.
2. The San Francisco 49ers: Nick Bosa, Pass Rusher, THE Ohio State University
The fortunes of the downtrodden San Francisco 49ers seem bright for all of fifteen seconds before Nick Bosa emerges from the green room, wearing his red “Make America Great Again” hat. Bosa proudly shows off the 49ers jersey before grabbing his knee and claiming he has to take his rookie year off with injuries. He will later be spotted playing golf with Jimmy Garropolo as Kyle Shanahan longingly watches from the cart.
3. The New York Jets: Quinnen Williams, Defensive Lineman, Alabama
Brian Williams reports that the New York Jets select devastating defensive lineman Quinnen Williams to pair with Leonard Williams while Billy Dee Williams cheers Serena Williams and Venus Williams set to music by John Williams featuring Will.i.am.
4. The Oakland Raiders: Drew Lock, Quarterback, Missouri
Jon Gruden and Mike Mayock have three first round picks, and could transform from Little Finger to King of the North overnight if they do a halfway decent job. Instead of taking one of the elite pass rushers, or maybe a wide receiver, they take the one position they don’t really need, quarterback. The Raiders likely would’ve taken Daniel Jones, seeing as he’s the most Jon Gruden quarterback there is, but then Todd McShay called Lock “a poor man’s Patrick Mahomes” and in a desperate effort to stay relevant in the AFC West, Gruden pulled the trigger. Mike Mayock looks a little disappointed, but he also knew Gruden wanted his own guy under center, so he understood.
Derek Carr was quoted as saying, “I just wanna get out there and compete because that’s the will of the Lord and I’m thankful for this opportunity. I’m a Raider for life” moments before being traded to the New England Patriots for a BBQ Bacon Wahlbowl™ and a Dunkaccino™.
5. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: A New Kangol Hat, ?, ?
With the fifth overall pick, Bruce Arians and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select a new Kangol hat. The good folks at NFL Network scoured the list of eligible candidates, but the name didn’t appear anywhere. It will later be reported that general manager, Jason Licht panicked as the clock wound down, and when he asked Arians what he wanted, he said “I really need a new kangol hat.”
6. The New York Giants: Dwayne Haskins, Quarterback, THE Ohio State University
Eli Manning watches with dread as the New York Giants not only select his eventual replacement, but continue to ignore the offensive line. Odell Beckham Jr. was seen setting off fireworks and drinking champagne, but insisted he had no issue with Manning being his quarterback. We tried to reach Saquon Barkley for comments, but he stiff armed us and gained another 15 yards on the play.
7. The Jacksonville Jaguars: Daniel Jones, Quarterback, Duke
After an eternity of mediocrity at quarterback, the Jacksonville Jaguars go out and draft what they’ve been missing this whole time. They move on from Blake Bortles, and instead will put their faith in the hands of a large, physically gifted quarterback with a cannon of an arm that occasionally turns the ball over from a [relatively] small school.
8. The Detriot Lions: Rashan Gary, Defensive Lineman, Michigan
Rashan Gary to Detriot makes too much sense not to happen. Matt Patricia is supposedly some kind of defensive genius, but his Lions failed to impress last season. Now he gets a guy that was the number one recruit in the country coming out of high school, that played college 45 minutes down the road. He’ll be a generational talent that suffers from a lack of surrounding talent and then reties at 30 because he got tired of losing.
See: Hall of Fame Tailback, Barry Sanders See: All-Pro Wide Receiver, Calvin Johnson
9. The Buffalo Bills: Greedy William, Corner, LSU
Just imagine Buffalo’s secondary if this happens. Tre’Davious White, Micah Hyde, Jordan Poyer, and now Williams? Nobody would be able to pass against this team. Nobody. You better hope you can run the ball, because this secondary is elite.
It’s too bad their quarterback is terrible so they won’t win any games that matter.
10. The Denver Broncos: Will Grier, Quarterback, West Virginia
Little over a year after insisted that “Case Keesum” was his guy, John Elway selects yet another quarterback. With the signing of Peyton Manning masking the stench of Elway’s other quarterback signings and picks, the Pro Football Hall of Famer makes another mistake, taking someone who would’ve been better suited in a small-ball west coast offense.
11. The Cincinnati Bengals: Devin White, Linebacker, LSU
I scoured this draft class for players with off the field issues, but nobody jumped off the page and with Marvin Lewis, maybe it’s time for a new era in Cincinnati. The first new Bengal of the Zac Taylor era has to be stud athlete, Devin White from LSU. He’s big enough, fast as hell, and can light players up. He’s exactly the kind of guy the Bengals will need to track down quarterback Lamar Jackson.
12. The Green Bay Packers: Josh Allen, Pass Rusher, Kentucky
With Clay Matthews far past his prime and approaching retirement, the Packers need a new force on the edge, and they find that in Kentucky’s Josh Allen. This infuriates Aaron Rodgers, who is no longer on speaking terms with the coaching staff after failing to “find him another Jordy Nelson.”
13. The Miami Dolphins: TRADE
The Miami Dolphins actually select Clelin Ferrell from Clemson, but in keeping with their roster philosophy of immediately disposing of or alienating talented players, they trade him to whoever for whatever, as per the request of general manger, Chris Grier.
14. The Atlanta Falcons: Irv Smith Jr, Tight End, Alabama
Joining other former Crimson Tide receivers, Julio Jones and Calvin Ridley Jr., Irv Smith gives Matt Ryan yet another weapon. Ryan was quoted as asking, “Guys, I appreciate it, but really, couldn’t we have taken anyone on defense? The offense was fine but we gave up like 29 points a game last year.”
15. The Washington Redskins: Emmett Brown, Scientist, California Institute of Technology
Instead of selecting a player that could help the future of their franchise, Dan Snyer and the “other” Gruden select a scientist to change their past. They travel back in time and save Alex Smith from injury before realizing they could just travel back even further and pay Kirk Cousins. After Cousins is underwhelming as their starter, they travel back even further so they don’t draft Robert Griffin III. On their fourth venture to the past, the machine breaks and they’re stuck in the 1980’s, where they have to watch Joe Gibbs run the team the way a sane person would.
16. The Carolina Panthers: A.J. Brown, Wide Reciever, Ole Miss
The Carolina Panthers spend another first round pick on a receiver, hoping this is the year that Cam Newton turns into a downfield passer. That’s right Carolina, keep blaming the receivers, it’s the receivers that hold your offense back. Can’t wait to watch Christian McCaffrey have 200 catches next year.
17. The Cleveland Browns: Jonah Williams, Left Tackle, Alabama
The Cleveland Browns might be the most talented team in the AFC North, and with a receiver class where the talent is just as good in the second round as it is the first, they can help secure the offensive line and protect Baker Mayfield. This isn’t a joke pick, I think this would be really great for the Browns.
18. The Minnesota Vikings: Dalton Risner, Offensive Tackle, Kansas State
If you’re going to be stuck with a mediocre quarterback on an astronomical contract, you might as well keep him healthy. With an improved offensive line, one of their seventeen tailbacks might be able to break out as well.
19. The Tennessee Titans: D.K. Metcalf, Wide Receiver, Ole Miss
Just like the Carolina Panthers, the Tennessee Titans think drafting another wide receiver in the first round will correct their passing woes, and just like the Panthers, they’re selecting a wide receiver from Ole Miss. Some think that Metcalf lacks the speed to play in the NFL, but in this offense, I don’t really think it matters.
20. The Pittsburgh Steelers: Marquise Brown, Wide Receiver, Oklahoma
They say you never really get over the one that got away, and after a hideous divorce, the Steelers are desperate to find “the next Antonio Brown,” and so they do the only logical thing, and spend their first round pick on his cousin.
21. The Seattle Seahawks: Nasir Adderley, Safety, Delaware
Wouldn’t it be the most Pete Carroll thing to take a safety from a small school when someone like Thompson from Alabama is still on the board? Earl Thomas let the Seahawks know what he thought of them on his way out of the building last season, and the team is missing a huge piece in their vaunted cover three defense. They fill it with the small school standout.
22. The Baltimore Ravens: Trace McSorley, Quarterback, Penn State
Don’t be confused, Ravens fans, the former Nittany Lion won’t be challenging Lamar Jackson for reps under center, he’ll be playing wide receiver. Don’t worry guys, your team would never spend a first round pick on a quarterback that can’t throw just because he’s a great athlete. McSorley will be where he belongs, out wide, using his athleticism to make plays for the purple and black.
23. The Houston Texans: Jachai Polite, Edge Rusher, Florida
With the Jadeveon Clowney experiment finally over in Houston, the Texans resume their search to find a bookend for J.J. Watt, and their newest try is Florida’s Jachai Polite. Hey, can I ask you guys something? What was so great about Clowney? He was never an exceptional pass rusher, even when playing opposite J.J. Watt, he wasn’t great in coverage, and it wasn’t like he’s forcing 15 fumbles a season or anything. What makes him so great? Because for the life of me, I can’t see why someone, probably Jon Gruden, is going to overpay this guy this off-season. Speaking of Jon Gruden…
24. The Oakland Raiders (from the Chicago Bears): Ryan Finley, Quarterback, NC State
What’s better than one quarterback? TWO quarterbacks! The fifth year senior from NC State has a rare trait that Gruden values more than any other, and that’s experience. The 24 year old started 46 games in college, and is the oldest prospect in this draft class. Mike Mayock will be seen hovering around the NFL Network desk, trying to get Rich Eisen’s attention.
25. The Philadelphia Eagles: Deandre Baker, Cornerback, Georgia
I wanted to make a joke about replacing Nick Foles here, but even I can’t joke about how bad Philadelphia’s secondary was in the second half of last year. They came on strong in the postseason, but it’s not hard to play corner against Mitchell Trubisky. The Eagels Front seven is great, but they need some help on the back end, and that’s where Baker comes in.
26. The Indianapolis Colts: Parris Campbell, Wide Receiver, THE Ohio State University
At some point, the Colts are actually going to get weapons for Andrew Luck, right? As impressive as it is that he continues to dominate despite being on a questionably talented offense, Frank Reich and company have to go out there and get him some serious weapons. Why not get him a speedster like Campbell to pair with T.Y. Hilton?
27. The Oakland Raiders (from the Dallas Cowboys): Clayton Thorson, Quarterback, Northwestern
With sad, cold eyes, Mike Mayock stares at the floor. He was told that he’d have a say in all of Gruden’s picks, but after hours of begging his coach to draft someone, anyone from the defensive side of the ball, Chucky picks his third quarterback in the first round, this time selecting the physically imposing turnover machine that many experts didn’t expect to even get drafted.
28. The Los Angeles Chargers: Gunner Rivers, Quarterback, Pacific Trails Middle School
With the 28th pick in the 2019 NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Chargers select Gunner Rivers, their quarterback of the future. Philip Rivers has been great for the Chargers, but nobody plays forever, and the Spanos family is thinking about tomorrow. When asked about his replacement, Philip will say, “I’m not much of a teacher, I don’t know if I’m the right guy to raise this kid.”
Trivia- Gunner is the son of San Diego Chargers legend, Philip Rivers and the older brother of future Chargers Peter and the NFL’s first female quarterback, Rebecca Rivers.
29. The Kansas City Chiefs: Deionte Thompson, Safety, Alabama
Deionte Thompson is a very talented safety that had a very underwhelming postseason for the Crimson Tide this year. A defensive back that makes five great plays and gives up four? He’ll have no problem fitting in with the rest of the Kansas City secondary. Just imagine someone like Keenan Allen getting behind Steven Nelson and torching Thompson deep? Awesome. If only Thompson had off the field issues, he’d be the perfect Chief.
30. The Green Bay Packers (from the New Orleans Saints): N’Keal Harry, Wide Receiver, Arizona State
In an effort to bring the family back together, the Packers select N’Keal Harry, the closest thing to Jordy Nelson in this draft class. He’s big, he’s faster than he looks, and he can bring down the 50/50 balls. Rodgers immediately shaves his fu manchu and returns to practice, nothing but smiles.
31. The Los Angeles Rams: Gordon Ramsay, Chef, North Oxfordshire, Academy
After being released by two teams, C.J. Anderson found his way onto the Rams roster, and completely transformed their post-season. He didn’t have the ideal NFL build, but by adding mass while retaining athleticism, he was able to give the Rams the physical edge they didn’t know they needed.
Sean McVay, always down to try new things, wants to duplicate that success in 2019 with the entire roster, so he goes out and drafts world famous chef, Gordon Ramsay. The best football team in Los Angeles will return in 2019, thiccer than ever, rebranded as the Los Angeles Ramsays.
32. The New England Patriots: Hunter Renfrow, Wide Receiver, Clemson
Do I really have to explain this pick?