Disney Plus finally dropped, and boy, oh boy, is it all anyone you went to high school with can talk about. Wildly, the most successful entertainment company in the world owns the rights to a lot of entertaining material. Crazy.
But it got us thinking. Not about which NFL quarterbacks would be which Disney movies, but how we could cash in on Disney’s success for a cheap buck.
And here we are.
NFL Quarterbacks as Disney Movies
We’re having a little fun here. Some of these are mean-spirited, and some of these players aren’t even starters, but it’s a fluff piece about Disney movies so… try to enjoy it anyway.
Ben Roethlisberger- Fox and the Hound
William Frost of Sports-Stack/BroSports/USA Today put it best.
“Yeah it’s good, like it is good, but it’s very old school and I don’t really wanna watch anymore. New films are coming out, I’d rather go to the cinema than watch a VHS”
And that sums up Pittsburgh’s banged up quarterback.
Andy Dalton- A Bug’s Life
Andy Dalton is the quintessential mediocre quarterback. He’s never really good, but he’s never really been bad. In fantasy football, you only draft Andy Dalton if most of the other starters are gone, and you need someone for a bye week.
A Bug’s Life is the same way. It’s not a bad movie. Certainly not the worst Disney film, but nobody is ever setting around on a lazy Sunday afternoon thinking, “huh, I should watch a Bug’s Life.” Not to mention, there’s the confusion with Antz, where if we’re being honest, I’m not even sure I’m talking about the right movie, even now.
Lamar Jackson- Tarzan
Tarzan was technically revolutionary when it came out, using skateboarders and surfers as inspiration for Tarzan’s log-surfing, featuring a score written and performed by Phil freakin’ Collins, and is one of Disney’s more mature animated features, but a lot of people don’t appreciate it. It doesn’t seem to resonate with as many people as it should.
The same could also be said for Lamar Jackson, who has dealt with a ton of criticism based on his playing style. Instead of being your typical pocket passer, Jackson employs his legs to extend and sometimes even make plays. In time, people will learn to appreciate Lamar, just as they’ve learned to appreciate Tarzan.
Baker Mayfield- Treasure Planet
Treasure Planet is one of the more polarizing Disney animated features. While not among the elite animated features, there are those that swear up and down by Treasure Planet. I tried to put it into words myself, but instead, I felt like Browns fan, Martin McConnell was best suited for the job. Take it away, Marty-
“Alright the easy way to do this? describe each disney movie may i start with treasure planet: criminally underrated, but it was never the popular choice. nobody ever gave it a chance and it’s looked at in a negatively light by a lot of people who aren’t its immediate, passionate fanbase.”
He didn’t write that for this article, by the way. That’s his genuine opinion, out of context.
Jacoby Brissett- Lilo and Stitch
I know I just quoted Martin, but he absolutely NAILED this analysis, so back to Cleveland we go. Martin?
“Because i mean. nobody expected anything from this, how the (expletive) is it working? and then you realize, wait a second, this movie’s pretty rad because it’s really well-written/coached and came from people determined to make something great.”
Gardner Minshew- Emperor’s New Groove
Like the movie about an emperor that became a llama, Gardner Minshew is funky, underrated, and worth another look. I know there’s always talk about which Disney cartoons are going to get a live-action remake, and I think this story about redemption is one we deserve to see played out… perhaps on a Sunday in Florida.
Ryan Tannehill- The Aristocats
Nobody really knows if the Aristocats was good or not. Like, I definitely still know the words to “everybody wants to be a cat” but I could not tell you what the plot of this film was to save my life. I know the words to their biggest song, but not the plot. And the same is true for the discarded Dolphin that has the Titans in playoff contention.
Deshaun Watson- Mulan
Mulan is amazing. Mulan might be my second favorite Disney movie. And it’s getting a remake, albeit without the dragon and the singing, and people won’t give it a chance. But therein lies the message of Mulan. Letting people prove themselves, even if they’re not what you expect, or, hey, if you give them a semblance of an offensive line.
Josh Allen- A Goofy Movie
Who doesn’t love A Goofy Movie? I mean, it’s so much fun. It has so much potential. Everyone’s got a favorite reference from this animated classic. But… would you really call it a good movie? Would you even call it a good Disney movie? The Little Mermaid is getting a live action remake, but imagine the outrage if they tried to make a fleshed out Goofy movie. No thanks.
Tom Brady- The Lion King
The Lion King might be the best animated movie ever made, so obviously it’s the best Disney feature. It’s iconic. It’s loosely based on Hamlet, but the animated version was still good enough to inspire a Broadway spin-off and a fully fledged remake. It’s the best ever, whether you like it or not.
And if that’s not Tom Brady, I don’t know who is. We know about the records, the rings, and the immaculate AFC Championship attendance, we know he’s the best. That doesn’t mean we need to be reminded in 2019, be it another Super Bowl victory or a mediocre “live-action” remake.
Sam Darnold- Chicken Little
Does anyone else remember Zach Braff’s Chicken Little? I can still hear the Barenaked Ladies song in my head if I close my eyes. Classic Disney took a fun twist on a classic tale, turning a story about “being brave” into a bit about an alien invasion (and probably bravery), and on paper it looked fine. Good cast, good soundtrack, visually easy to watch, what’s not to like? Well… the movie, as it turns out.
Critics hated the movie, and fans weren’t in love with the project either. Maybe there’s a chance that like Tarzan, it’ll age well, and we’ll grow to appreciate it with time. But for now? Disney execs are seeing ghosts.
Josh Rosen- Cinderella
Why is Josh Rosen, an objectively bad quarterback, a timeless Disney classic? It’s easy, because while Cinderella is a timeless classic, Rosen is not. He’s mechanically sound, but his particular style was a lot cooler in the 60s, not 2019, as he can’t keep his job on one of the NFL’s worst teams.
Derek Carr- The Black Cauldron
As a kid, I read the Chronicle of Prydain books, so I have a strange attachment to this movie. There are things this movie doesn’t deliver on that most Disney movies do. It doesn’t pull at your heartstrings (Sorry Gurgi), there isn’t a catchy score that gets stuck in your head, and most infuriatingly, it doesn’t win a playoff game.
Joe Flacco- Peter Pan
Remember how much we used to love Peter Pan? We really thought Peter Pan was elite for a second there. But the more time goes on, the more questions we have about how good it ever really was. How were we ever okay with “why is the red man red” as a song?
Patrick Mahomes- Aladdin
Aladdin is incredible. I mean, really, incredible. It’s not the Lion King, but as far as the best Disney movies go, there are few that hang with this one. You could sell me on this movie with the soundtrack, the performance of Robin Williams, or a 50 touchdown, 5,000 yard season, and I’d be set.
I just wish it didn’t show in the same division as my favorite movie, because it doesn’t get anywhere near as much in the box office.
Philip Rivers- The Beauty and the Beast
This one is less a metaphor, and more a play on words. Because while Los Angeles might be Gaston, you never know if you’re going to see the Beauty or the Beast when Philip Rivers steps on the football field. On one hand, he’s probably the best quarterback to never play in a Super Bowl, on the other, he nearly threw four interceptions to Erik Harris. Hey, I love Erik Harris, but seriously, who the hell is Erik Harris?
Kirk Cousins- Finding Nemo
So, Finding Nemo is fine. It’s the punchline for one of my best jokes, but it’s nowhere near the best of these films. It’s a good watch, but the most memorable parts of this movie are stoner turtles and, ironically enough, a fish that can’t remember anything. The sequel was… there, and I was left walking out of the theatre wondering if it was worth the price of admission because it didn’t quite recreate what it gave me in the first edition.
I wonder if the Vikings felt the same way after they failed to get as far as they’d gotten with Case Keenum.
Aaron Rodgers- Toy Story
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Toy Story is incredible. It’s one of the very best, and I’d even call it the ace of Pixar’s deck. But I’m sick of hearing about it. It was amazing, I loved it when I was younger, and I even liked the second one. But the third one? Meh. And the fourth one? Far from elite.
Toy Story isn’t elite anymore, and even though it used to be amazing, there’s a time to move on, and I think it was before he got rid of Mike McC- I mean, Andy.
Matthew Stafford- Dumbo
Most Disney movies fall under the “almost great” banner. There are a few that are amazing, a bunch that are pretty good, and then there’s Dumbo. Even before the lousy remake, I’d feel pretty safe in saying Dumbo isn’t really anyone’s favorite Disney movie. It’s good, it teaches an interesting lesson about owning the things that make you unique, but there are some questionable things we can’t overlook.
Like racist birds, or an 0-3 record in the playoffs.
Mitch Trubisky- The Sword in the Stone
Given the source material that TSITS has, it shouldn’t have been hard to make a good movie. Seriously, it’s one of the oldest stories we have, and it’s a fantastic adventure about wizards and kings, and somehow, they still dropped the ball. Kinda like having an Andy Reid disciple as a head coach and wasting the prime of an elite pass rusher.
Thanks for the picks, bae.
Drew Brees- The Little Mermaid
Another cameo from the timeless classic, Martin McConnell-
“Instant classic. a little weird by disney standards, but it’s got it all. maybe it’s so great BECAUSE it’s weird. oh and also, it forcibly ripped disney/the saints out of despair, firmly skyrocketing it into the league’s elite on sheer force of passion and skill.”
Cam Newton- Cars
Remember how much fun the first Cars was? I still get “Life is a Highway” stuck in my head sometimes. When I feel like being really, really obnoxious, I’ll even spit out a “Kachow” or two. But ever since the first one, man, have the Cars movies been hard to watch. After such a good start, it’s hard to watch a brutal change like this. Connect the dots yourself.
Matt Ryan- Pocahontas
You want to like it, you really do. For so many reasons, it’s easy to like. It’s a nice story, there’s good music, and there’s a sassy pug! He puts up good numbers, and there’s no denying, he’s a pretty good quarterback.
But there’s just something holding you back, whether it’s the genocide of the native people or a historically bad Super Bowl collapse, that just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Jameis Winston- Atlantis
Atlantis had all the tools to be a good movie. A cool premise, a unique art style, and a few good moments, but ultimately? It was a failure. People will still try to tell you it’s underrated, but as hard as it tried, it’s just a mess.
Note to the reader: We should start calling Mike Evans the Leviathan.
Daniel Jones- Moana
I didn’t see Moana in theatres, mostly because I still resent Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from taking the belt off of CM Punk in WWE back in 2012. Yes, that was seven years ago, yes, wrestling is fake, no, I’m not over it. So I didn’t see it in theatres, but I heard about how great it was. Everyone called it the best animated movie since Frozen. The hype was out of control.
So I finally sat down and watched it… and boy, was I disappointed. It’s literally just repacked Frozen, and I wasn’t crazy about Frozen. They told me Moana was something special, but it was K-Mart brand Frozen, just like they told me Daniel Jones was good, and he’s Rite Aid Eli Manning.
Case Keenum- The Jungle Book
The Jungle Book is a great story… that has gotten way too many chances on the big screen. To date, there have been seven movies for the Jungle Book, and only one of them was any good. Kinda like how Case Keenum keeps getting starting jobs in the NFL even though he literally had one good season.
Dak Prescott- The Great Mouse Detective
This was actually pretty great. Marty? Take it away.
“Dak: usually carried by its cast (Zeke) but also actively held back by movies that came before it (Garrett). we need a movie that was okay, but it came out around the time where nobody trusted Disney”
Carson Wentz- The Incredibles
Does anyone else feel like, as good as The Incredibles was, it was just missing something? Don’t get me wrong, absolutely fantastic, one of my favorites, but falls just short? Then the sequel came around, and you hoped it would finally solidify the series as elite, and it fell way below expectations. I don’t know who left the Incredibles like Nick Foles left the Eagles, but we’re still waiting on the follow-up that makes the series.
Jimmy Garoppolo- WALL-E
WALL-E has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 95% certified fresh. That’s higher than The Jungle Book, Sleeping Beauty, Bambi, Tarzan, Mulan, Frozen, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and THE LION KING.
Sure, it’s a good movie. It was challenging to create a children’s movie that’s almost completely devoid of dialogue, and I applaud the creativity. But… it’s not better than any of those movies. It’s good for what it is, that doesn’t make it objectively good.
And that’s the same for Jimmy Garoppolo. He has a really great record as a starting quarterback in San Francisco, going 12-2 there since the Patriots traded him. But over that same span, he averages 239 yards, one touchdown, and two turnovers a game.
If you love WALL-E/Garoppolo, that’s your prerogative, but I just don’t get it.
Jared Goff- Big Hero 6
On paper, Big Hero 6 looked great. Visually? Gorgeous. Plenty of fun color, entertaining characters, and you could put it on in front of most kids and they’ll be entertained for a while. But unlike most of Disney-Pixar’s real classics, it’s surprisingly shallow. This movie doesn’t really have a point, and is ultimately full of hot air, despite what the numbers, both from critics and the box office, tell you.
Just like Jared Goff. After a slow rookie season, Goff put up very respectable numbers in both 2017 and 2018. But when the brightest lights were on, in the Super Bowl, Goff fell apart. Turns out, he turned in a terrible Super Bowl performance, going 19/38 for only 229 yards and a pick.
Since then? It hasn’t been great. Even on a loaded offense featuring the likes of Todd Gurley, Robert Woods, Cooper Kupp, and Brandin Cooks, Goff has been mediocre at best. The Rams have won in spite of him, not because of him.
Either way, Goff or Big Hero 6, I think it’s all superficial, and I don’t get the hype.
Kyler Murray- Alice in Wonderland
Simply put, I don’t know what I’m looking at, but I think I like it.
Based on Lewis Carroll’s “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” Alice in Wonderland is quirky, visually evocative, and completely unlike any other Disney movie. When Tim Burton sank his fangs into the live-action remake, it wasn’t that much stranger than the original. To this day, I’m not sure if I actually like Alice in Wonderland, or if it was just unique enough to stand out in my mind.
Kyler Murray is the same way. I’m not sure if he’s a good quarterback or not, but I certainly enjoy watching him play. His diminutive stature and smooth but exceptional athleticism stand out on a field of giants, and his numbers are just baffling to look at. He’s had some good-not-great games, but he hasn’t really made a significant impact on the franchise yet.
Russell Wilson- Hercules
If you ask me, Hercules is underrated. It’s got everything you could possibly ask for from a Disney classic. Killer soundtrack? “I Won’t Say (I’m In Love)” and “Go The Distance.” Great cast? You could sell me this movie on the idea of Danny DeVito playing a half-human, half-goat father figure to Hercules, and I’m there. The secret to any great Disney movie has always been a charismatic villain, and in this category, we’ll just say the Underworld isn’t the only place where Hades is king. But still, it doesn’t get the respect that other Disney classics gets.
Much like Russell Wilson, who has all the credentials of an elite quarterback, with none of the perks. When the Seahawks struggle, it’s because of Wilson, but when they win? It’s Marshawn Lynch, it’s the Legion of Boom, it’s… Bobby Wagner? Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Patrick Mahomes, and Aaron Rodgers are obvious picks for elite quarterbacks, but wonderboy, Russell Wilson, doesn’t get the credit he deserves.