If there is an argument more contentious and worn out than the “GOAT” conversation, I don’t know it. In barber shops, at gyms, on television, and on the field, everywhere you go, people have different opinions about who the GOAT is. And honestly, everyone has a different definition, different perspective, and honestly, there are just so many variables, who can even tell anymore?
So with that said, he’s my rankings of GOATs.
Ryan Smith’s GOAT Rankings
7. Swamp Goat- My Childhood Summer Camp
When I was a kid at sleepaway camp, they told me that there was a giant, mutated goat that lived in the swamp. I can’t tell you how many afternoons I spent on hikes and in canoes looking for this freaking goat, and I never once saw it. I know it exists, because my favorite counselor, an Irish man named Andy, told me it did. He had a calf tattoo and would never lie to me.
Fight me, Swamp Goat, I’ll be waiting.
6. Missy- How I Met Your Mother
Believe it or not, “Missy the Goat” appears in three episodes of the beloved sitcom/Friends upgrade, “How I Met Your Mother,” almost always in flash-forward form as Ted pontificates about dating in his thirties. At the end of “The Leap,” Ted finally meets Missy, and after a battle, she beats him up so badly that he is hospitalized.
I don’t care what anyone says, Ted Mosby is a spoiled sociopath that objectifies woman and doesn’t deserve Marshall Eriksen as a friend, so anyone that gives him what he has coming is a hero in my book. And while we’re at it, Ross Gellar sucks too. In this TED Talk, I will…
5. Mr. Tumnus- The Chronicles of Narnia
Did you know that C.S. Lewis based all of his Narnia works on the idea of a faun carrying an umbrella? Without Tumnus, we wouldn’t have the fantasy giant that falls somewhere between Rowling’s media monster and Tolkien’s overdeveloped world-building saga?
While the character of Tumnus originally worked for Jadis, the White Queen, he found redemption by risking it all to help Lucy escape back to Earth. He paid for his betrayal, being briefly petrified, but the world’s most transparent Jesus allegory, Aslan, freed him. We stan martyrs here at BroSports.
4. Unnamed- Jurassic Park
Remember the goat that the Tyrannosaurus Rex doesn’t eat in ACT 1, but then totally changes his mind about when the power goes out? Oh yeah, he/she/they made the cut. Almost completely because I wanted to share this ridiculous video.
3. Ignatius “Ig” Perrish- Horns
Joe Hill, who may or may not have a famous dad in the same field, is my favorite author. Heart Shaped Box is my favorite book not-called- Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but Hill’s most famous work is probably Horns, which was adapted into a movie starring Daniel Radcliffe in 2013.
Horns is a severely dark comedy about a man, Ignatius “Ig” Perrish, who is falsely accused of horrible crimes and wakes up from a night of drinking to discover he is growing horns out of the top of his head. The deformities give Ig the unfortunate gift of causing people near him to be brutally honest with him as he tries to uncover the truth about the crimes he’s been accused of.
It’s just nice to see Daniel Radcliffe playing a character with a personality for once.
2. Philoctetes- Hercules
First thing’s first, Hercules is the best animated Disney movie not-named- Lion King. Secondly, Philoctetes is voiced by Danny DeVito. Thirdly, re-read the first two points, how the hell are we still having this conversation? If they make a live-action Hercules and DeVito doesn’t reprise his role, I’m not seeing it.
1. Michael Jordan- The Chicago Bulls
Did you even watch “The Last Dance?” Obviously it’s MJ. He had two threepeats, he’s a five-time NBA MVP, a 14-time all-star, what else could you possibly want? He’s Michael freaking Jordan, he’s the man. He almost singlehandedly beat the Monstars. Bill Murray, who?
Eat your heart out, LeBron James.